HAPPY FALL! Enjoy your pumpkin cream cold brews and apple cake. I sure am. And if you’re wondering my plans for fall weekends, it’s pumpkin farms, college football, and cider for me. And by the time you read this, I’ll have tried out this recipe for Pumpkin Scones that looks like a new favorite to me.
First, in case you’re interested, I wrote a short blog post for Waiting in Hope Ministries about one specific way to care for someone who has dealt with pregnancy and infant loss. You can read it here.
Moving On…
The Unexpected Intruder
Groggy but alert to the sounds of my newborn son, I awake and click the screen of my phone to check the time. 4AM. Not his best as of late, but I won’t complain. I sit up, grab the boppy, and pick him up out of the pack and play. As I feed him, I think about my other two children sleeping soundly upstairs. Did I check the smoke detector up there? I hope my daughter didn’t pull her blanket over her face. She went to bed with a runny nose…maybe I should check her temp and make sure she doesn’t have a fever.
I resolve not to go up, check on everything, and risk waking the children up. I’ve done this too many times, often resulting in a lack of sleep for me. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Just lay down and get back to sleep. After I lay my son back down, I stretch out in the soft sheets daring me to drift back to dreamland. But I don’t drift, my dreams delay, and my mind runs away with every worst thought possible.
What if she does have a high fever? And I really can’t remember about the smoke detector, so what if the house burns down? And then the ultimate and perhaps most ridiculous thought– What if SOMEONE was hiding up there until we went to bed? Panic ensues. I close my eyes tight and try to think about something else in an effort to ignore these intrusive and irrational thoughts that lead me to places of fear I’d rather not go.
On my worst nights, I lay there wide awake, heart pounding, until I throw the sheets off, and trek upstairs to check everything. Oh, and then go double-check that the doors are locked so that all the people who want to come in and hurt my family can’t.
I shake my head, feeling like such a hypocrite to all my clients plagued by intrusive, irrational thoughts and paralyzing anxiety. They can never know I’m a fraud. I alleviate the panic by spending the next 30 minutes checking on everything. At 5AM I lay back down, defeated and frustrated.
But I know I’m not alone in this. I’ve been surprised by the amount of people who respond with a “me too” when I describe these kinds of thoughts.
How about you?
Do your worst nightmares crawl through your body like venom when you finally give your brain space to think–or rather, space to spiral?
It can feel. so. scary.
Safety First, God First
As a mental health practitioner, I see clients dealing with intrusive and anxious thoughts on a wide spectrum. Some have generalized anxiety, some have specific phobias, some have obsessive-compulsive disorder.
In all these experiences, there is often a pattern of intrusive thoughts that may paralyze to the point of avoidance, withdrawal, isolation, depressed mood, tearfulness, impulsivity, and many other unwanted ways of coping. But these coping skills aren’t problems necessarily; they’re solutions. Solutions our mind has convinced us are the best way to cope. Fortunately, much healthier solutions and coping mechanisms exist and are ours for the taking.
My goal with clients is always to aid in healing, and to do that, we collaborate to find effective and healthy coping skills. Perhaps this looks like re-training our thought process, using mindfulness and relaxation techniques, reframing the situation, using support systems, considering medication, and more. Maybe it’s a combination (usually it is!).
But always, at the very least, it involves figuring out what makes the client feel safe. When we’re anxious, we perceive danger. We’re not feeling safe, even if we are technically not in any real danger.
Oftentimes, our feelings of being unsafe are caused by past experiences. This is why trauma-informed practices are crucial. We experience things powerfully internally. And in reality, this is a beautiful thing that we feel deeply. Our bodies really are amazing, and I’m thankful to God for mine. But the experiences we retain within ourselves are not only our good experiences but also traumatic ones.
Understandably so, that can cause some unwanted responses such as anxiety, depression, dissociation, etc… When we are triggered then and our bodies remember what happened to us, we cope in ways that our body thinks will keep us safe.
Finding safety looks different for different people. In my own life, safety deeply involves running to Jesus and clinging to him. I know that he intercedes for me and for my deepest needs–when I don’t even know what to pray. I know that he is the ultimate source of safety. I know that he calls us to come to him when we are weary and burdened. And when I see clients who have this same belief system, we involve Scripture. But on a maladaptive level, “safety” can look like ruminating on thoughts over and over again until I alleviate the building pressure by doing things like triple checking that I unplugged my hair straightener.
So I ask myself–what does it mean that I’m so fearful and anxious? Am I not trusting God enough? Am I not praying enough?
Honestly, I think part of it is a lack of trust. Because can you imagine what it would feel like to fully trust God? To truly believe and live as if he really has it all under control? I know this is what we are supposed to believe. But do I actually believe this?
I want to. And sometimes people will say, “I need more than a Bible verse.” or “I need more than prayers.” And I understand what they’re saying. I feel it, too—tangible support, physical touch, meals, a prescription, someone to sit with us in our pain—we need these things. They matter. But ALWAYS we need Jesus.
The apostle Paul says, “...present your requests to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus,” (Phil. 4:7). Peace is felt when we know we are safe, and the only peace that is greater than we can understand comes from Christ. The only assured peace comes from trusting Christ. He gives us peace that the world cannot offer (John 14:27).
So the point of reading Scripture and praying isn’t to satisfy a legalistic obligation to God as some sort of magical cure for our maladies. No, the point is those things-Scripture and prayer- are sources of the most amazing peace we can experience. And Christ beckons us to draw near and immerse ourselves in pure grace, mercy, and peace. Naturally then, when our minds succumb to darkness, we ought to turn to the King of Light, allowing him to light it up and defeat the intruders.
Don’t hear me say that when I feel anxious, as soon as I pray, I feel better. That’s not really how it works. Maybe sometimes it is. But I think more often, it’s the long view that matters.
If I make a practice of turning to the Lord when I’m triggered, and I feel reminded that I’m safe, then more and more the feelings of safety and peace will come from the Lord. Just like if we take a medication for anxiety, we have to be consistent with it. Our bodies have to adjust to the medication, so patience is crucial. Likewise, with therapy and other coping skills, it takes time for these things to work.
Often a client will say to me, “The relaxation techniques didn’t work.” And when I ask how often they tried it, they’ll say “one or two times through the week.” Well, that’s not enough. We need consistency. We have to press on.
But the primary difference I see between trusting Christ and anything else we use to cope and heal is this: Jesus will always come through. Sometimes a pill doesn’t work; sometimes the therapist-client relationship isn’t a good fit; sometimes our social supports fail us. But always and forever—yesterday, today, and tomorrow—Jesus will be faithful to us.
I’m a huge advocate for counseling (obvi) and all the techniques found within a therapeutic relationship. I’m supportive of medication when needed. I’m supportive of scientific and psychological advances that don’t compromise my convictions.
And if someone says to me, “I need more than a Bible verse.” I will say, “Yes, you do need some other supports to help you through this time. And those things are good gifts from God. But none of it will give you peace like Christ gives. So I am still going to give you that Bible verse and pray for you. And then let’s look at extra, practical ways to move forward towards healing.”
So, when those intrusive thoughts threaten to undo me in the middle of the night, I am trying to breathe deeply, progressively relax my muscles, and turn to the comforts of God’s Word.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid,” John 14:27.
Recommendations this month:
JJ Heller wrote this song as a result of her own troubles of panic and anxiety.
All Things podcast by Jen Oshman
Tiny Theologians - This is my favorite one-stop shop for kids theology resources
Plus don’t forget to check out my recommended newsletters listed here.
Have the best fall day today!
Thank you for being so vulnerable and speaking into this 💖 i definitely find that turning to God in prayer and meditating on His word brings a peace that surpasses all understanding! I too often find when I finally have a moment of peace to rest, spinning thoughts and worries about my family/kids come. I then remind myself of the truth. God did not give us a spirit of fear, and I literally cast Satan away from me and my thoughts as I know Christ has given us the authority to do so! There’s power in the blood of Christ. We can trust in Gods promises. When we equip ourselves with the armour of God, there’s such a sense of power against the thoughts of the enemy 🛡
As you said in your post 🙏🏻 It’s definitely a trust thing-and every one of us can ask for help from the Holy Spirit to grow in this area of our lives 💖😘