Recently I attended a conference in Michigan of a speaker/author whose content I really appreciate. I attended with my aunt, cousin, and mom. The conference was excellent, and I came away from the weekend with plenty of processing ahead of me. Everything about it was incredible—the content, the music, time with family, food & drink, solitude in the car—all fantastic. And thank you to my husband who made it possible for me to go without worrying about being away.
This newsletter cannot contain all the words I have to say regarding the experience, but one experience in particular felt most pressing to share.
On Friday night, the worship leader broke us all in for some seriously Spirit-led moments. Admittedly, it felt so different at first—but not a bad different. Good different. The movement of the Holy Spirit throughout the room was palpable, and I became very aware of the reality of God’s existence. My head knowledge of God made it’s way to my heart once again. Refreshed and reflective, I joined in the worship of our God who does good things. We sang about his goodness in our lives, and the good things he does.
THEN. It. Hit. Me. Covered in chills and teary-eyed, I realized this: As I sang about God’s work in my life, with thousands of women, I stood in a church just minutes away from where my husband and I adopted our son and daughter.
Years of infertility led up to our adoption, and they were tumultuous years at that. Plenty of days, I imagined I’d never have children. Plenty of days, I’d fake my way through the day, smiling yet crushed inside.
We’d pray for God’s will to be done in our lives, and we hoped children would be a part of his plan for us. Yet we always knew that God doesn’t always work how we want him to, which meant our immediate family, may remain just the two of us. Were we okay with this? Some days, yes. Other days, no.
And then, through a series of events, God led us to embryo adoption, and over the course of several more years—sometimes painful, sometimes joyful—God entrusted us with our oldest son and our daughter.
Psalm 77:10-12 says,
10 So I say, “I am grieved
that the right hand of the Most High has changed.”[a]
11 I will remember the Lord’s works;
yes, I will remember your ancient wonders.
12 I will reflect on all you have done
and meditate on your actions.
The writer of this psalm began the piece by reflecting on grief over difficult experiences, including a seeming lack of God’s presence. And here he is grieved over how God has changed. But this is a figure of speech, because we know—and the psalmist knew—God doesn’t change. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow (Heb. 13:8). And so he goes on right away to say that he will remember all God has done. He will meditate and reflect on those wondrous works; now he will be reminded of God’s goodness and faithfulness.
It's as if he is saying, “God, sometimes it feels like you are gone or that you don’t want good for me, but when I remember all that you’ve done, I believe that you want only good for me.” And good may not look the way we think it should look.
If my husband and I experienced what we thought was “good,” we would’ve had our first baby in 2013, instead of 2018. But if that happened, we wouldn’t have the children we have now. And the thought of that is heartbreaking.
This moment at the conference felt sacred and remains so in my heart. Words barely express what I felt, as I connected the dots of God’s faithfulness throughout my life. In fact, I think it was one of those moments that mortal languages cannot articulate. Only God fully understands how my soul felt that night.
He's faithful. And good.
Faithful to give and faithful even when he took away.
At twenty-three, he took away our dreams for our future. And at twenty-eight, he showed me just how much bigger his dreams are for his children. Of course, his dreams will always come to fruition. Always. God is the great dreamer and the great fulfiller. Nothing is ever deferred with him, though it may feel that way for us.
In a moment of clarity, my soul understood well just why he brought us to Michigan many years ago, and just why he altered our timeline. And I thanked him for bringing me back to Michigan that night to show me what he can do—incredibly more than we ever ask for.
Autumn Recs:
Jackie Hill Perry. She was the speaker at the conference. Her speaking, books, articles, Instagram, all of it— I recommend!
Russell Moore. I have always appreciated his voice in today’s culture. His writing, podcast, books, and other resources are invaluable. Check him out… especially if you want helpful insight regarding Israel and Palestine. As my brother-in-law says, “Russ doesn’t miss.”
Stuff You Should Know podcast. Josh and Chuck are so easy to listen to with fascinating episodes!
Air Fryer. A lot of you gave recommendations when I asked about air fryers. On Prime Day I ordered the Ninja Foodi air fryer, and I use it ALL THE TIME. Multiple times daily. If you’ve been on the fence—get one. We are removing our microwave from the kitchen because I primarily use the air fryer for re-heating.